Self Development. Its something that I didn’t give much attention before coaching. But Beachbody makes it a vital behavior and why not follow a system proven to work if done consistently? Last weekend I read a chapter out of Romi Neustadt’s “Get Over Your Dam Self- The No BS Blueprint to Building A Life-Chaging Business”— Why are you here.
The title is completely honest. There really is no BS. Romi pretty much tells you to stop being a pussy and figure out the REAL reason you want to succeed. Because big goals require a LOT of pain. You must really have a strong ‘why’ to not puss out and quit on yourself.
At the end of the chapter there was homework. The first question was pretty straight forward, ‘what is your why?’. After a long weekend, I put it down, telling myself I would think it over. My WHY hit me hard.
It may not have looked like it from the outside, but this last week was hell for me. That’s probably why they call it hell week! For those that don’t know, I have PMDD (PMS on steroids) and hell week is the term for the week (or 2 in my case) before a woman’s menstrual cycle for those of us lucky enough to deal with this for up to half of our childbearing lives. You can check out a previous blog post here.
While the 21 day fix program gave me ways to minimize the damage PMDD does, each month, I still want to run and hide in a dungeon. Its crippling. Right before you ovulate you feel invincible–I feel like I am glowing, but the next day I wake up to the complete opposite. Suddenly Im a nasty, old witch. I wake up and cuss my husband out for the smallest issue. In my head its not small though, its devastating. I can no longer see the grey, everything is completely black and white. Throughout the day, all those tiny things add up. I don’t know how he puts up with it. I just have to be thankful this loving man loves ME unconditionally.
Then the guilt sets in. Shit. What have I done? I am a terrible person. I DONT DESERVE TO LIVE. Yes, this is how completely irrational I become. I remind myself what day of the month it is and tell myself to think before I speak. That I am 100% going to regret half of what I do, say, and think for the next 14 days.
The thought is daunting. Its 4:30 Monday morning, I have to get it together and get ready for my day. It begins with a workout then I scramble to get myself and Aubrey ready to leave the house. I have to make sure I have enough food packed and drink my Shakeology, so I don’t cave into an intense PMS McDouble craving. Its frustrating but I manage because I still have a nice endorphin “high” from my workout.
We sing and laugh on our drive to Aubrey’s new daycare. We approach the door and as I ring the bell, she starts crying. I walk in and go to put her on the floor and she starts screaming. Who knew my 18 lb baby was so strong?! She grabs on to me, pulling my hair and I pry her tiny hands off me then promptly walk out. I get to my car and I want to cry. I start to cry.
But then I read a few emails I got during the drop off.
The stress of my day starts as I drive off. Usually I thrive off of a challenge and I love to be the hero but today, I scream out loud “I HATE MY JOB!!”. Once again, its black or white with me. Not only am I angry, but I also start to shut down.
I normally can handle these types of issues. Move on, sell, generate appointments, while going on to close others but today is different. I know for the next 2 weeks I’m going to feel angry and completely useless. And I say that in the most loving way possible. But it is absolutely true.
My memory is shot, my concentration at negative 5, I could watch an entire movie and have no idea what it was about but somehow I’m driving around going through the motions of my day. I’m pretty sure I do a decent job but I never manage to get the sale. Maybe its my lack of energy? Confidence? Who knows. All I know is that it’s almost lunch time. There are only 7 days to sell and I’m very close to a big fat zero.
My stomach starts to turn. My chest starts to tighten. My head starts spinning. Yup, day 1 of my hell weeks and I already feel out of control. I think about how my fee for service income is going to be greatly affected the following month. Then the reality of no commission check starts to set in. I start feeling defeated. I no longer have an appetite but thankfully I’m coaching a 21 day fitness challenge and I need to get my green and red in because I knew bedtime would come quick this evening. After giving my body what it needed, I feel ok enough to go on with my day.
I move through the rest of the motions as my head spins with 1,000 different thoughts. Everything from how I can improve my communication skills so that I’m not screaming at the man who is so kind and patient with me, to my job or my child but what I really need to think about at this time is me.
I finish for the day and I feel like I did so much work. But I accomplished nothing. The demon in my head repeats it self. “You suck.” “You can’t be a good wife and you are horrible at your job.” I hate you, stupid thought. Why can I only control you half of the time? WHY?! By this point I am way beyond defeated–I am depressed.
I start thinking about how many years I’ve lived this way. I feel like I need sleep but there’s not time. I pick up my daughter from daycare and since its my husband’s first week back at work (after staying home with Aubrey for the last 16 months) I have to take her home and feed her. (Thankfully we meal prep. Otherwise I would probably grab something quick unhealthy TO FEED MY CHILD). I am beyond exhausted at this point. I still cant stop stressing about my numbers at work. I know my child missed her parents and I was the only one home but I couldn’t give her 100% of my attention. Sure I bathed her, made sure she was full and comfortable but I lacked enthusiasm. I’m beyond drained.
Finally, by the grace of God, I manage to get my Tasmanian Devil child to sleep. As her father comes home I sneak out of the room to greet him, but just as I close the door, about to hug my husband rid myself of guilt from this morning, the door squeaks. She’s awake and instantly starts screaming.
That was it! I couldn’t take it. I ended up screaming too. I yelled so loud it scared my child. I said I wanted to run away, that I couldn’t take it any more and for a second, I didn’t even feel remorseful for making my own daughter cry. I am defeated.
I cry in the other room as her wonderful, tired, hungry father calms her down. He then selflessly comforts and calms ME down too. He gets me to go to sleep but as Im falling asleep I think about how the next 13 days will be grueling.
This is just a glimpse of my current ‘Hell Week’. Like I said, I have learned a lot over my 15 years since starting my period in 6th grade. There were times where these 2 weeks were beyond Hell and it’s EVERY. SINGLE. MONTH.
I’m thankful I have improved but I know that I’ll always have to deal with this rollercoaster. After reading the first few chapters of Romi Neustadt’s book, I realized that this was the true, raw ‘Why’ for my business. I know I love to work hard and I strive to be the best. That’s why I have enjoyed succeeding in sales. I love the recognition. But I spend half of my life living in Hell. While I love my manager and want to succeed for him, I also want to be able to take my foot off the gas when I need to…which happens to be 26 weeks of the year. And ethically I just can’t ask for that.
This month I turn 29 and I know that I want to succeed. I want to achieve big things but I also need to do it on my own time. I need to be able to put my job aside, focus on myself, focus on being a good mom and wife first.
My family is the reason I strive to succeed, to provide our daughter the life that neither myself nor my Husband were ever able to have. But what good is the money if my daughter can’t also enjoy her Mother? She doesn’t deserve the person I am today or that I am 50% of the time.
This week, I realized that a lot depends on my ‘Why’. That’s why I know I wont fail. My family deserves me to be at my best, 100% of the time. I know its going to be hard and I know I am adding even more to my plate but in the end it WILL pay off! My ‘Why’ is to build the life that best fits myself and my family’s needs.
I look forward to accomplishing this, as I know my ‘Why’ will always evolve. I’m excited for the future! For the next however many “Hell Weeks” I experience, I will just remind myself that there is an end in sight and that one day, as tired as I am right now, my hard work WILL pay off.